Am I really strong or
I pretended not to be weak?
________________________________________
“Your daughter has asthma. You need to look after her 24/7. Asthma
could kill and
she is only one. She couldn’t tell you if she had trouble
breathing,
but I could tell you how to notice that.”
My parents’ heart could have shattered into pieces when the
doctor told them; their one-year-old daughter had asthma. How would I know? They told me, as I grew older.
“Why can’t I drink gassy water?”
“What do you mean I can’t go outside and play?”
“Why can’t I have pets?”
“Why can’t I eat this? And that?”
“Why…”
I stopped asking because I had asthma.
People think I am weak. When I played with my cousins, we
all laughed, ran around the house and my aunt would be like,
“Bah stop playing everyone, get some rest, si Kaka karang asthma tu.”
We stopped playing because I had asthma.
People think I shouldn’t do anything. I tried to lift up
heavy stuff or boxes, which I managed to do really, but there will always be
others who would say,
“Eh Kaka! No need to force yourself! Just go inside and rest.”
I stopped trying because I had asthma.
Years passed and I went to school just like any normal kids.
However, I was different when I was at school. I never told anyone that I had
asthma. Nobody think I’m weak. Nobody think I am feeble to do anything. So I
joined a few clubs, but stayed away from sports – afraid it would trigger my
illness, which then would show that I am helpless.
Then I am tired of being weak. I am tired of people asking
me not to do this or that. I am tired of people seeing me as someone incapable
of doing anything. And because of that, I decided to grow.
With my decision and over time my asthma had gotten better
as well. I started joining few sports clubs such as netball, running and
acrobatics. My parents started to put faith in me that I will get better. I
didn’t let them down. I was 12 and with Allah’s Will, my parents’ doas along with medication and my hope… my
asthma had gone.
But that does not stop people from seeing me as a weakling
in the family. They let me do anything – yes, but only within my “capability”.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell them that I am strong enough, capable
enough to do anything. Nobody listened.
Years in high school were indifferent. However, I became
more eager to be strong. I sort of had proven to be tough among my friends but
then what if… that were just my imagination?
“I am going to Australia.”
That news hit my family more than it should. My parents were
proud of me, most of my family members are, but I overheard my Grandmother said
to my parents,
“Alhamdulillah she gets to further her studies but how can she go there
alone?!
How can she bring all her luggage just by herself?!
How can she live there by herself?!”
For the second time in my life, I wanted to explode.
Am I really that weak?
Didn’t surviving without asthma through out high school is enough?
Instead of losing my patience, I decided to show them that I
am strong enough. I even thought a 37kg luggage was not that heavy after-all. Yes,
I was that determined to show that I can carry a 37kg luggage, along with more
than 7kg backpack on my shoulder and another 4kg-or-so hand carry to Australia,
transit in Brisbane and then safely landed in Sydney, alone.
Achievement unlocked.
Living three years away from them made me realized, they
were just worried. They were worried about what could happen and so on. Most importantly, they were afraid if I got sick. Allah
please forgive me but I am not the kind of person that loves to be pampered. I
don’t like it when people thought that I’m vulnerable because I’m not.
Alhamdulillah, I never have gotten sick pretty much during high school, during my study in Australia and after
I got home for good. However, as what Allah has stated in the Qur’an, Surah Al-Ankabut,
“Do
the people think that they will be left to say,
"We believe" and they
will not be tested?” [29:2]
Little of me who ever thought, that I am strong. Allah
decided to put me on His test. He puts me in pain now to make me realize, no
matter how strong I portray myself, I would never be stronger more than what He
intends to.
I am thankful for all
the attentiveness given, but as I said earlier,
I am just not that
kind of person.
Even if I only
pretended to be strong, I just wanted to say…
I am not weak.
________________________________________
[This short piece of writing is adapted from a true story.
The names used are not the real names of the people involved in the real
situation, therefore the name and plots written in this story are purely
coincidental and have nothing to do with the living or the dead.]
Be strong dear self, because with
struggle, there is ease.
Ps. Feeling like a loser and listening to Loser by BigBang does not help.
- Miss P -
